Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”