If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.