Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.