Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.