I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.