Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.