An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.