To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly