My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*