Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches