I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.