Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!