Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.