If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?