Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.