The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.