“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.