I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.