Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.