I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.