Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.