I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..