I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above