WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.