1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.