3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses