My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot