quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.