Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.