No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…