Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.