*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!