My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”