If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”