I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.