I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?