My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”