Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.