Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab