You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?