Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.