Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
