“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
This kid is going places
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less