*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit