Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.