I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”