Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.