You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.