Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative