Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings